Cabinet shake-up: Hamza Ali Abbasi gets federal ministry

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Prime Minister Imran Khan appointed actor, model and TV anchor Hamza Ali Abbasi Pakistan’s new federal minister for information and broadcasting, on Tuesday.

SCENE 1

The senior leadership of the PTI are huddled in one corner in the Bani Gala residence. Everyone’s excited and chattering in hushed tones. News channels are abuzz with news of Asad Umar‘s resignation and that Khan sahab has finally taken action against members of the cabinet perceived to be inept.


“Where’s Khan sahab right now?” asks Faisal Vawda, shifting slightly on the sofa to accommodate the Glock Model 30 tucked away rather uncomfortably inside his pant near the crotch area.

“He’s taking his morning walk–the chief minister accompanying him,” answers Naeem ul Haque.
Vawda is confused as to which chief minister is being referred to here. Naeem ul Haque gets up from one end of the sofa, strides across the room and performs a bowling action. Vawda gets it.

“Wasim Akram plus,” he says. Naeem nods.

The door opens and in walks the prime minister with Chief Minister Buzdar beside him, sweating profusely. Apparently the prime minister takes nicknames too seriously–he had Buzdar bowl to him for three hours straight in the nets. Apparently, Buzdar is a pushover.

“Hamza Ali Abbasi will take up the mantle of federal minister for information and broadcasting,” he said. A loud cheer erupts. “Fawad will look after the science and technology ministry.”

The prime minister notes confused expressions on the faces of certain leaders. He elaborates.
“Times are tough and almost everything is available at an exorbitant cost. This mehngai will be the end of us. We need a minister well grounded in the field of science and technology. Someone who knows how to reduce petrol costs.”


Khan explains that after Fawad’s groundbreaking discovery of the helicopter fuel that cost Rs55/km, the former PPP leader will now work on developing helicopters that function on solar energy.

Before the prime minister can finish, Murad Saeed jumps into the middle of the room. Imran is startled. Murad starts screaming slogans in favour of the prime minister.

“The day Imran Khan takes oath, Hasan Jahangir and Saleem Javed will revive the music industry,” he shouts, shaking his fist. “As soon as he takes oath, Modi will visit Islamabad and hand over Kashmir to Imran Khan. Salman Ahmed will finally match Imran Khan in pushups without panting his heart out,” he screams.

Shah Mehmood sits Murad down at a sofa in one corner of the room. Foam oozes out of Murad’s mouth,his eyes crazy and darting about the room.

“Imran took oath of office in August last year,” he says, whispering gently in Murad Saeed’s ear. “He IS our prime minister. Hasan Jahangir still doesn’t get any gigs.”

All eyes turn to the TV as the newly appointed Federal Minister for Information and Broadcasting, Hamza Ali Abbasi, addresses the media.

SCENE 2

Journalists gather at the information minister’s office in Islamabad. Hamza Ali Abbasi emerges and everyone stands up. He takes to the mic.

Hamza: I will have your questions now.

A report asks for the mic. He is handed one.

Reporter: Sir, Prime Minister Khan admitted recently that armed groups operating from Pakistan conducted attacks in Iran. Don’t you think that was unwise?

Hamza: My dear SUPER INTELLECTUAL, you should be given a 21-gun salute for your intellectual capabilities.

Reporter: But sir, you are the federal minister now. You have to answer questions on behalf of the government.

Hamza: Only a SUPER INTELLECTUAL will see me and ask questions about Imran Khan. Why won’t you ask me questions about my upcoming movie, Maula Jatt?


Reporter: But sir, what I’m trying to say…

Hamza: Guards, remove this SUPER INTELLECTUAL from my office. I have pressing matters to attend to.

The reporter is whisked away by security guards.

Another reporter takes up the mic.

Reporter 2: Sir, I’ll ask you something about your movie, if that’s what you’ll answer.
Hamza: You seem like an intelligent man. Please go ahead.

Reporter 2: You’ve criticised movies that don’t represent our culture in the past and then you did Jawani Phir Nahi Aani. Now, we hear that in your latest movie, there’s a scene where you’re buried naked in sand and you ‘pop out’ from it. And not head first, sir. Isn’t that against our culture?

Hamza: My dear SUPER INTELLECTUAL, you have low IQ. You are a liberal agent employed by Mossad. I know it.

The mic is handed to another reporter.

Reporter 3: Sir, your party has often criticised the Metro Bus projects in Multan, Islamabad and Lahore. Yet your Peshawar BRT has suffered from delays and as per media reports, massive corruption. What do you make of that?

Hamza Ali Abbasi: My dear SUPER INTELLECTUAL with a low IQ, where were you before? Why did you not question Bilawal or Zardari or chor Nawaz before him? if only you had held them accountable, Pakistan would have been a superpower. We would have launched space stations into the universe and discovered planets for now. But alas, you are a SUPER INTELLECTUAL.

Before another reporter takes the mic, Salman Ahmed emerges from a room and whispers something into Hamza Ali Abbasi’s ear. He nods.

“My dear SUPER INTELLECTUALS, I must take your leave now. Me and Salman are off to the mountains with the prime minister. I must capture his handsome face in the backdrop of the mountains and draw comparisons of him with Tipu Sultan. Salman is still trying to match him in push-ups, I believe.”

NOTE: In case you thought this was real, it wasn’t! This is a satire piece. Do let us know whether you liked it or not. Your feedback matters!
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